the world doesn’t revolve around me , huh?

Posted in ceritakupukupu on August 27, 2015 by cusnul

Lagi lagi masalah itu!
Kemelekatan?
Bah apa itu?
Merasa memiliki dan tak ingin kehilangan. Namun bukankah jika kita tak pernah merasa memiliki , kita juga tak akan kehilangan? Bumimu ini cuma setitik debu di alam semesta, apalagi saya dan kamu di alam semesta ini? Setitik bakteri saya rasa.. namun kecilnya kita bukan berarti kita tak penting loh, justru kecilnya kita itu cuma sebagai pengingat there’s a bigger thing out there, the world doesn’t just revolves around us.
Leleh semua. Masalah saya tak berarti lagi. Masalah yang kita pilih sendiri untuk jadi masalah. Semua bukankah berawal dari perdebatan pikiran kita? Dan benar salah yang tertanam dibenak bawah sadar kita, iyakah?
Ibu saya selalu bilang , mengingatkan akan petuah jawa lama “ urip mung mampir ngombe” hidup hanya mampir minum… keberadaan kita yang mungkin hanya 60 atau 90 tahun ini tak sebanding kiranya dengan umur Universe , iyakah? Sebentar saja, apakah yang ingin kamu lakukan dengan waktu yang tak lama ini? Apakah yang benar-benar kamu inginkan?
Tak perlu muluk muluk , menjadi the next Mother Theresa atau menghentikan global warming..
Namun ,saya sering mengingatkan diri sendiri, mulailah dari lingkungan lingkup kecilmu. Mulailah dari dirimu sendiri.. lihatlah segala sesuatunya dengan kasih…
Murni kasih..
Cintai kekasihmu , cintai tetanggamu, cintai sahabatmu
Dan teruslah berenang bersama mereka
“keep swimming “ Dori said..”just keep swimming”
Lihatlah ke selilingmu dunia adalah alunan nada.. berenanglah bersamanya… hanyut..
Dan baru kemarin, saya ingin memiliki kekasih saya!
Saya sungguh malu sekarang!
Saya berusaha mengatur dia, apa yang boleh dan tak boleh.. ah!!
Saya banding-bandingkan dengan hubungan yang lain!
Namun saya bersamanya karena saya tahu saya sign up ke free love..’ Universe memberikan yang terbaik baik buat saya .. “ he is my custom made order”
The world revolves around me, not.. I forgot that!
Jika saya hening,,, dan mendengarkan ibu Semesta .. saya tahu disana hanya ada hening.., tanpa label.. tanpa masalah.. dan jika saya hening lebih lama lagi , saya pun tahu jika saya bagian dari sang Ibu.. dan saya terbebas dari segala kemelekatan itu,,, hanya berenang dan terus berenang…

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Petualangan Lee…

Posted in Uncategorized on August 25, 2014 by cusnul

Imajinasi? Kamu adalah temanku bagaimanapun juga, meskipun kamu hanya imajinasiku. Tapi meskipun ini hanya sebuah khayalan , mengapa kamu terasa begitu nyata, ponimu yang seperti dora, tahi lalat di pipimu, hidungmu yang begitu sempurna; tak mancung tapi tak pesek, matamu yang belok, dan gaun putihmu yang menyapu rumput tiap kali kita berdua lari-larian di taman belakang rumah.

Dan aku masih bermimpi tentangmu hingga hari ini sejak 20 tahun lalu…

Beep..

Notifikasi what’s app membuyarkan lamunanku..

“hi , lagi apa?”

Pesan dari Amanda, another random girl that I slept with..

Tak ku gubris pesan itu. Kata-kata temanku , Christopher, kembali terngiang “lee.. he’s not a relationship material” malam itu di sebuah pesta tanpa sengaja aku mendengar percakapan Chris dengan teman wanitanya, Katrina , yang berakhir di tempat tidurku. Hubunganku dengan Katrina berlangsung beberapa bulan karena aku pun tahu dia tak mencari sebuah komitmen, lalu aku berujung dengan bosan.

“kau gila , Lee” kata Chris lagi. Saat aku memutuskan hubunganku dengan Lea, pacarku sejak sma setahun yang lalu. “she’s just so perfect, you don’t know that you can get as good as this girl” Lea adalah definisi “hot , pretty, and smart girl” kata teman-temanku. Nah, justru itu, seandainya mereka tahu aku tak bisa memberikan hatiku untuk makhluk seindah itu, aku harus melepaskannya pergi, she deserves better…

Keputusan untuk berpisah dengan Lea berbarengan dengan kepergianku untuk memulai karir di negeri seberang. Petualanganku pun menjadi bajingan pun dimulai saat itu juga. Pada awalnya semua terasa “fulfilling” sejenak aku lupa akan keberadaanmu , namun bayanganmu mulai menghantuiku lagi. Damn! You fucking ghost of the past!

“Lee.. Lee.. look at the sky… look at them .. lets play what’s on the sky today.. look look that one looks like a lollipop.. that one is a castle… that one it’s a bird”

Dan kita berdua merebah di rumput melihat langit biru di taman belakang rumah, it was sunny day, kita terdiam di sana hingga matahari terbenam…

 

Atau di lain hari, ketika kamu menyelinap ke kamarku, kamu tak bisa tidur katamu , lalu kita berdua berbaring di kursi balkoni dan memandang ke langit mengagumi bintang-bintang dan berdebat tentang karakter favorit saint seiya masing-masing. Aku suka seiya, tentu saja, aku selalu ingin menjadi pahlawan yang menyelamatkan putrinya, dan kamu bilang kamu suka gemini “Lee, manusia itu selalu punya dua sisi yang berlawanan dalam dirinya, dan Gemini memeluk kedua sisi itu Lee,, baik dan jahat, aku kagum sama dia Lee” katamu. Aku tak mengerti sama sekali kata-katamu, bagiku Saga si Gemini itu ya jahat!

 

Atau waktu kamu menari-nari bersama kupu-kupu di taman belakang rumah. “Lee.. look at this beautiful creature” katamu.. “ aku selalu ga nyangka makhluk ini dulunya ulat bulu .. alam itu amazing ya Lee” katamu lagi…

kamu tak lagi datang ke taman belakang rumah saat aku menginjak umur 14 tahun, hilang tak berbekas. Aku mulai meragukan kamu benar-benar nyata. Aku masih datang setiap sore sepulang sekolah selama setahun itu. Tapi kamu tak pernah muncul lagi. Aku mulai berpikir aku gila! Semua hanya imajinasi? Ahhh benarkah hanya imajinasi? Namun setiap kali kututup mata ini, semua kenangan kita terasa hidup… akupun menyerah, kamu hanya imajinasi! Tapi , kamu tetap temanku dan aku tak pernah melupakanmu telah membawaku kenegri dongeng yang indah…

 

Beep.. another message bringing me to the reality..

“Lee.. tom at 8 am , cu at the airport express train” Nick

Oh crap! I have to pack. Aku harus bersiap-siap untuk liburan 5 hari kedepan bersama Nick. Namun kali ini tak sekedar malam-malam penuh pesta dan entah berakhir dengan siapa lagi di kamar hotel yang asing, aku dan Nick ingin mencari tempat tinggal di Koh samui. Ide ini berawal dari “mengapa tidak hidup di paradise “? Toh pekerjaanku sebagai senior officer di cx airline tak menyita banyak waktuku, dalam sebulan aku masih bisa mempunyai at least 17-20 hari libur. So why don’t I commute from this paradise while I’m working?” aku masih bisa pulang pergi kohsamui-hongkong , work hard, play harder!

 

                                                                                        **

 

We’re on the train! Dari central station ke airport hanya memakan waktu 25 menit perjalanan. Kereta express ini berhenti di 5 stop ; central, Kowloon, tsing yi, airport, dan asia world expo. Pagi ini , suasana kereta penuh dengan orang-orang yang bekerja di airport dan sama sepertiku mengejar flight pagi. 5 menit berlalu, kereta berhenti di Kowloon station, suasana kereta makin penuh sesak. Seolah ada magnet yang menarik pandanganku kearah pintu kereta , dan disaat itu aku melihatmu (lagi?)..

 (rough draft.. dan masih bersambung)

Dear Human…

Posted in ceritakupukupu on August 2, 2014 by cusnul

Dear human,
I’m looking out the view from my 25th floor apartment…I can see high way , the light from another high floor apartment building, even I can see the street lamp reflecting the pouring rain.. It’s so beautiful….. on the lucky day , I can see beautiful blue sky with its different kind shape of clouds; heart, sheep, bird, castle, hat, a little girl, an old man and so on … n If I get up really early in the morning, the sunrise will smile to me and wish me a nice day.
I also can see one this ugly building that seems unfit in this beautiful picture.
Here’s what I realize .. I can focus to this horrid building in front of me and forget about all beauty surrounding it. Cursing the whole day why the hell this building is there… the thing that can piss me off more is I have to wake up every morning seeing it and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Or,
I just forget about it… and look! Look… there’s so many beauties that I can appreciate in front of me…

Dear human,
I, too , am a human!
I tend to forget all the good things that happening to me when I am faced with a bad situation in my life.
Forget that the sun still rise, the sky will become blue again after the pouring rain, the flower still blooming waiting for me to admire them, or the smile of little kids on the street..
Just because one flaw I could not see all of these…
But isn’t it I have a choice…
And a bad or good thing is just a matter of point of view… and even though from any angle it’s still a bad thing, it’s still a good one at the one.. cos we learn from the contrast .. we always learn to be a better person every time… it’s our human nature…

Nite.. nite universe…

 

the L word

Posted in ceritakupukupu on July 8, 2014 by cusnul

 

Let’s talk about the L word…

You said you’ve been looking for it…

Now, you’ve found it…

You said something like “it’s mine”

It should do this and that for you

It should do more and more…

It should make me happy

It should always be there for you

It should make you secure and save

 

But It is never someone else… it is always  You..

You are the creator of your own reality..

You should do this and that for your sake..

You should do more and more to grow

You should make yourself happy

You never be alone, as the Source is always be with you

You are always loved and protected …

 

Lucky number 9

Posted in cuap cuap on March 30, 2014 by cusnul

It was Sunday and I was on my stand by duty starting from 11 am.  People said you definitely will get a call on Sunday , I guess people just don’t want to go work on Sunday, Perhaps they want to have Yum Cha or just spend holiday together with the loved ones. Yup! I did get a call from the crew control, I was expecting a long haul flight  just like what I usually got for these 2 years for my stand by duty. But, Today I got called for a Bangkok turn around flight, the duty started at 14.20 pm and it was okay too, I was pretty happy to know that I only needed to operate one sector. Today it was a rainy thunder storm. My flight was delayed for about one hour, but again, it was okay too. I worked in business class, the flight was pretty smooth and everyone was so nice, the second thing to be grateful today. The third thing was I got to seat in Business class as a passenger on a way back where as I actually only entitled economy class for px duty. The forth thing, I could sleep very well on the way back , just perfectly woke up when the captain made an announcement we’re about 30 minutes to land. I sat at the window seat 26 A, I looked outside the window and I could see the thunder storm out side. It was so scary yet so beautiful, it’s like thousand flash lights from your camera, you felt like you were a celeb in front of paparazzi, I’m totally amazed by it, I guess it made the fifth thing to be grateful of.  The sixth thing was we landed safely, though we needed to wait for 30 minutes before we could get a gate to park, but I felt okay too.

I got to leave the plane at 11. 45 pm.  I was thinking what was the  best way to go home since definitely when I reached the bus stop , the last bus would be gone. Should I take the airport express but it costed more money since I didn’t have the discounted airport staff octopus card or should I get the N21 bus and change to a taxi in Mong Kok? Finally I chose the second option. But I never thought it was going to be hard to get a taxi in Mong Kok. Two taxi drivers I talked to didn’t understand English, one of them only took a passenger to Central, Rain started to pour harder, but amazingly I knew everything going to be fine. The forth taxi driver finally took me home though he didn’t know where I exactly lived, I was so happy when he said “just lead me the way to your place” this was the seventh thing to be grateful of.

When I got home, some thoughts across my mind. What’s happening to me ? why can’t I be pissed off like just a little bit? did I force my self to be happy ( but I didn’t ) ? was I going too much over board with all this positive thinking ? The answer to all these question was no. What just happened and all the reaction from my feeling was so natural, I  can swear to you that I didn’t feel upset at all, why would I? it’s just a merely a situation, I was the one responsible for any label that I chose to give to this situation. One time, I was talking to my friend “I know I seem to live in another world, but when you keep believing in good things , Good things will keep happening to you, I really wish I’m talking a bull shit now, but I am not cos I have proved this all the time and actually you always can see things from any point of view, it’s your choice” that’s what I said to him that day.

Then, It came to the eight thing to be grateful today; I realized I was wrong. That night, when I had this conversation with him, I knew I made a mistake. It’s all so crystal clear now. That night my mistake was that I was thinking that I was the right ones and he was on the other side. I wanted him to come to my side. “Come come… you have to see my world from my point of view, it’s so beautiful here” that was on my mind. I realized that I have made some judgement to my best friend where as I only needed to love him no matter what. I should be able to see that no one is wrong or right. It’s more beautiful when you love people the way they are, I guess.

The ninth thing , the lucky last number today, was I managed to write this note while I was hungry and tired (where did this energy come from?) and finished it at 2.41 am.

heart? oh heart .. where are you?

Posted in cuap cuap on February 25, 2014 by cusnul

Saya sendiripun terkejut! di manakah hati ini? kenapa saya tak berhati? apakah saya tak punya?

Laku saya adalah hasil imitasi. Tapi tanpa satu contoh terlebih dahulu, saya akan berlaku datar dan tanpa emosi. Mengapa begini? saya pun tak tahu. Saya akan merasa kasihan ketika melihat seorang kakek tua yang menjual tape ketan yang mengiba pada saya “belilah neng… biar bapak punya ongkos pulang” yah,, saya akan merasa kasihan dan membelinya tanpa meminta kembalian karena itulah yang dicontohkan dari ibu saya. Contoh! yah contoh.. saya selalu memerlukan sebuah contoh … Layaknya sebuah program komputer, saya diharuskan mendownload software untuk bisa mengolah dan memecahkan sebuah masalah.

Pagi ini, software saya kaput lagi.. saya tak bisa berempati , saya tak bertindak pakai hati. It’s merely an incident! dan saya kalau tak disuruh ini itu,, juga tak bakal tergerak untuk melakukan sesuatu. Pagi ini, si ibu Phua minta obat penahan sakit , saya ambilkan tanpa bertanya kenapa? Tak berselang lama dia minta dettol , barulah saya penasaran kenapa? Ibu Phua bilang dia habis digigit dan dicakar kucing temannya karena si kucing ternyata tak suka sama si anjing ibu Phua sembari menunjukkan luka-luka di tangannya. Dalam imajinasi saya, mungkin bu Phua berusaha melindungi si anjing kesayangan dari si kucing dan dia rela terluka demi si anjing. Namun saya tahu hati saya tak lantas merasa kasihan lantas merawat luka-lukanya. saya ambilkan dettol, dan beranggapan dia akan membersihkan luka-luka itu sendiri. Tak kepikiran pula untuk mencampur si dettol dengan air hangat dulu,,,, karena ternyata si petunjuk di balik kemasan dettol mengharuskannya begitu. Beatrice, atasan saya, mengingatkan saya dan yang terlintas di otak saya adalah oh tidak! saya terlihat bodoh didepannya. Beatrice pun menyuruh saya membersihkan luka-luka bu Phua, saya melakukan ini pun karena hal ini ditugaskan pada saya, tak atas dasar empati. Dan tindakan saya pun berhenti sampai disini. Tugas saya telah selesai. Namun, tak lama kemudian, ketika saya berpas-pasan lagi dengan bu Phua, Beatrice berada disampingnya tengah membalut luka-luka itu. Saya takjub! seolah olah software baru diinstal pada program saya .. “Oh jadi begitu toh yang harus saya lakukan” sedikit malu juga pada diri ini.
Apalah saya jikalau tanpa sebuah imitasi? bahkan berempati saya perlu dikasih contoh dahulu? jika tidak ,, saya ini kosong.. dimanakah hati saya?

Saya tahu.. saya terus belajar dan belajar beremosi.. untuk punya hati… untuk bisa berkata pada orang lain jika mereka melakukan sesuatu yang aneh.. atau tak melakukan sesuatu yang harusnya dilakukan “mungkin mereka nda tahu atau belom tahu”

Ya sudahlah.. saya hanya bisa terus belajar dan belajar .. I guess…

slap you not?

Posted in ceritakupukupu on February 23, 2014 by cusnul

Here I go again… melodramatic? sad? drained? disappointed?
why?
Let say … some people may not realize what they are doing or talking. They just talk … they just do…( I , my self, perharps is the same, especially when I meet new people) . “Let’s just keep the conversation going… let’s just do what make you feel and look good” that’s what your unconscious might say.. and here you go… you might unconsciously cut somebody’s talking and forget how to listen.. you have to feel good… you have to look good… eventhough It means you have to make a joke which can make lots of people laugh .. but can hurt this one person’s feeling.
I’m not done yet… how about that good feeling that you have gained from comparison.” I, my choices and opinions are the best” that’s what you imply everytime you tell stories. You , as if, saying “I could do better for this or that case” Well.. it does work.. you feel soooo sooo good… the rescenario is always better.. I bet that person in your story, too, if they could turn back time.. they will do things like you said… the thing is when you are faced with a bad scenario on the spot, you find it hard to think clear and straight. or when you say ” see.. see.. don’t you see that my choices are always better… see? my house is nicer… the location is perfect… etc.. ” You can gain more more proofs along the way.. and keep comparing.. keep comparing!
well… don’t you feel drained if you do that?
don’t you know that you might hurt people too with that kind of action?
don’t you know that it will not end anywhere since you will never be satisfied?
But ..on the other hand should I keep saying…
Hi… you and you might just unconsciously do that?
hi.. you and you are basicly nice????
or I just slap you on the face! cos I love you! I do!
When will you start waking up??
arrrrghhhhh…….